Haggard hapless smile

synapse in the brain cracked again
communicate in brief with the soul, a game
i played as a child, asked for god today
i was three years old when i drew the blade


of grass i asked from where it came
how beautiful it could be in rain
and id never guessed that id ever blame
my lack of existence

on those strangers who never reply when i say hi

as we passed on the street
i said, "hi"
she did not reply
i said, "hey"
he did not reply
i asked, "how are you?"
and you ignored me
and i go home and i question my existence
and why it is when i speak - they don’t respond

i roll on the floor and tear at my skin
because the pain makes me feel something anything, again
because you choose not to reply to a simple harmless greeting

im harmless, i am so harmless and full of love
but i can never seem to simply exist with you people
im not going to hurt you
im not going to kill you
im not going to rape you
im not going to ...
im not going to exist, am i?

whats the point?

im angry and im tired and i want to sleep forever
but i have chosen to be awake to live through this horror
that you perpetuate

and i refuse to sleep
so if i seem somewhat tired you’ll know why
i hide the weight of your unreasonable fear of me
in my haggard hapless smile

Apple core solid

With you were I without you now
so shallow deep the sound so loud
come hold me Jehovah
come hold me down
as I witness the end of your holy round.

As I hold you, I remeber tomorrow
as if it were yesterday
the way your head will arch to catch the sun
the way your lips start to say, "you are the only one
that could ever make me feel this way."

And when I'm in you
it's not only the 'being in you' that makes me smile
it's also your beautiful face, the way I love to see it,
without a care, just feeling, just receiving love
that's who you are to me
that smiling face that turns inside to be loved
I watch it like I watched that perfect blade of grass when I was a child,
"mother, look how it is"
see how she shines.

My apple core is solid
and my love for you is stoned
for you my love is stoned,
solid to the core.