Flicker

When i was on fire
i burned for you

and once ashen,
i would, in a certain fashion,
rekindle the flame
so as to never fade,
to forever
flicker
in your
wild wind,

to be the same.

Space Walker

My new Song

Immortal

Had i love for you
at one point
i would not let you go

seen i your face in moonlight
glow, grow, to take on
an extraordinary form

you were god to worship
you were so much more than
the flesh that keeps us here
you were mine

and a rhythm now suggests
its okay to let it go
it will take on a new life
express itself in a new way

but i cannot sense the loneliness
i have become
it feels like home
numb
home
run
gone
dumb

a part of nothing
cannot ever truly merge
we cannot feel the same
we will always experience
in our own way
and it’s a shame

if you could only see through mine eyes
if you could only sense with my soul
know what i know
i think you might find
that each of us is truly a world
unto ourselves,
utterly alone

had i love for you
i was immortal.

Sociopath

It was in the way i promised i loved her
then departed forever

and also in the way i ran from family
without so much as a glance back

and even moreso in the way i shunned a friend
throwing away years of brotherly love

and it will be there in the way i leave you
when i perceive you’ve turned against me
as you did today.

Swoon

In the night
i am reminded of every other
night i’ve spent alone
of the endless procession
of time
gone

of the moments where
it was never too soon
to initiate the ecstasy of my
swoon

under the vellum tabled
candy stacks
where i sought refuge in
the smile of your
coming
within the syncopation of my
strumming
against the rhythm of our
humming

i handed you an
invitation
to the
end.

At the optometrist's

Out amongst you all today
all my energy seemed to drain away
bodies activated moving about
speaking, saying something or other
to one another
in tongues, tones, colors
i could not comprehend

then i thought
there are so many of us
cajoling about
bouncing from place to place
no real direction
fully knowing
though never showing
the futility of our
footsteps

i want to wipe away the sun
turn back time so that none of this
had ever begun
i want to burn up the night sky
and watch planes fall
to the hell below
where we dwell for show
i want to be free of my kind
once and for all
so that for once i wont feel
ashamed to speak my truth

out amongst the dying today
i saw them
the faces of the old
i saw their expressions
growing cold
i saw the distrust in their eyes
upon offering a smile
just something warm for awhile
but no
my kindness is a waste of time
but time, i fear,
is all i have

it seems i need new glasses.

Good cancer

I’ve been thinking about cancer. I wonder if there will ever be a cure. I would like to think so. So many people suffer from various forms of this terrible disease. It would be great if cancer just simply stopped killing, ceased expressing its destructive behavior. Wishful thinking, eh? But maybe I’m hinting at the concept of remission without fully understanding the issue – I don’t claim to be a medical doctor. These are just thoughts I’ve had recently. Just sharing. Or blogging - whatever you want to call it.

I can’t stop thinking about it, though. I imagine all these crazy things, like what if cancer not only eradicated its own destructive nature, but also promised certain benefits to one’s life? Hey, then everyone would want cancer, right? Yeah, I know. Crazy talk. It’s late.

Nonetheless, I happen to think that there are certain things in this world, of which many of us seem to be unaware, that have the inherent tendency to destroy. I guess cancer would be one of these certain things. However, unlike cancer, many of these things do not immediately appear to be dangerous. They may even appear to be good for us. I would urge you to look around, look closer at what seems to have always been there, either right in front of you, as a part of you, or somewhere in your periphery. Look at those things, ideas, concepts, beliefs. Are they destructive? Have they ever been destructive? If so, would you choose to let them remain a part of your worldview? Would you choose to have good cancer, a former killer, even if there were proof that in its current state, it was harmless and possibly even beneficial to your existence? I myself would have to pass, for past behavior is often a strong indicator of future behavior, and therefore, I feel I couldn’t trust good cancer. Sorry good cancer – I’m not a believer.

Well-mannered, boy

Put pen to paper
to doodle away the memories
of you drawing near
on nights
like these

for a second we had
a moment
and for that one moment
we knew why
but reality needs
no virtue
when we are headed
home

refrain
from beating blistered hands
restraint
show some if you can
remain
always at a distance
again

because
for a while we were
on fire
and in that fire
we knew why
but my vanity
is self-fulfilling
not in the least prophetic
oh but we knew why

i carried your books to school that
day.

Ferris wheel

Let me gather raindrops
as the bass line keeps me warm
on this a new day
where i need to be whole

there is an ocean
alive, breathing into me
save i come
into raindrops
give i life
to a fresh start
stirring

and know

there is a moment
alive, setting to be free
save you love
into raindrops
gave i god
without words
blurring

the truth -
there isn’t
one

my hands are harnesses
my eyes are stars
my life is a subroutine
so let me dream
the darkness
into tidal waves
and flood the cities
black and back
into wettest coal
where i need not
be whole
where a ferris wheel
spins out of control
where you
finally
let me be
happily,
your anomaly.

Thrusting greyward

I woke up on my back in the middle of an empty stadium. Staring above at greying sky. A slight breeze coming. Sitting up, I am alone in this place. The seats - empty. No game today? I thought for sure the M’s were playing the A’s. Where is everyone?

All I remember is a face. Broadcasting through a massive web. A man’s. Staring at me. Expecting god only knows what. And a sick nauseating emptiness slowly coming over me. And then gone.

I will not hold your hand while you try to understand me. So if what comes next fails you completely then resort to labeling me – therein lies your safety.

Did you know that there is a moment when ‘broken’ cannot capture the essence of what we become when we realize the absurdity of time – or more to the point - the unmiracle of our kind? When they, like cockroaches, flutter and flitter before us, as if instinctually knowing how powerless they make us feel, and smash us to pieces within a self-projected horror field.

I don’t know where I am. No, I think I do. The point is, I don’t know where you are. Any of you. There was supposed to be a game here today. But my head hurts now. And there is static electricity in the air - a storm is coming – has come.

But in that former place, I know I requested to be at ground zero. I boasted that I wanted to experience the event horizon – to bleed sunshine. And part of me knows that I am there now. Or here, where I have taken the stadium. Claimed it for myself, having won nothing, for I am nothing without you - my accomplishments cannot be completely realized without them first having been observed by you.

Dew stained grass thrusting greyward through swollen fingers – there is peace in this holocaust.

Los angeles after midnight

Part I

Breathing heavy
cold rain coming
trying to light a cigarette
as if it were the only thing
to save me

headlights come and go
pass by on waves of god
i have been here before
and the message is no less
loud and clear

inhale at the guardrail
los angeles in the distance
coming for me -
a million or more specks of light
departing from the streets below

leaning forward
holding myself steady
exhale years of confusion
the truth has come
i am not the only one
but i might as well be
the only one to …


Part II

There is a humming in the air
it comes and it goes
and goes and goes
until almost gone
until lost in the beating
of the rain against my coat

then ultimately she returns
with a new song
suggests we were all wrong
that reason is not for the young
for their realm is fantasy
and conflagration

i have wandered
seemingly aimlessly
a thousand times
on wet nights like this
no umbrella
to protect me
no need for company
no reason
to control me

i thought i would regret everything
i thought for sure i’d repent
but years of uncertainty
have somehow cleansed me of
the need for
final understanding

there is fire that doesn’t burn
and ice that cannot freeze
life that cannot live
and death that never ends

12:33 am
soft lights a blur before me
closing in surround me
a sacred city
this winged love.

Epicentric

Sound bombards
assaults the senses
like a lover’s call
parting the waves of the sublime
somehow mocking time
foregoing the necessity
of rhyme
breaking formal law
destroying expectation
with one hand to heaven
and the other to hell
a forced acquaintance
an unnatural stance
so let the tone define
the meaningless
let the waves be also
particles
and disavow
everyone, everything, every rule,
every procedure, every myth, that
haunts to constrain us
taunts to debrain us
ultimately failing to shame us
be epicentric
and self-metered
be without judgment
be a life without bounds
be not led but lead
be unwilling to compromise
when they plead
for you to stand in line
when they cry that you make them feel
uncomfortable
anxious
when you walk your own path
be free
be free
be free
be no longer cuffed to group ideals
embrace chaos with a moral compass
live a life less fleeting
live alive and
be not owned
think hard on what it is
you really own
be a mystery to the world
and only then
will you have been
to thine own self
true.

A formation of stars

In the cold vastness of space
i floated effortlessly
and you, a light year away,
signaled to me
to come

there, you said
we are like a formation of distant stars
shining for the light of the other
collapsing inward at times
beginning again
waiting for a new dream
of a melody swimming
through dark waters
snaking its way into our hearts
not knowing when or where to start
or how it will…

so, let me fly tonight without shame
to see your face light up the shattered skies
to hear you breathe we are not alone
to be reassured that our time
is indeed illusory
if not also precious.

Golem

Slowly lift the plastic shade. Blue sky. Few clouds. A kind of visual quietude. Then a sound. A voice. “Do you need anything, sir?” I smile, looking up, “No. No thank you.” I return my gaze to the horizon. The air is music. Moves through me. Blends into ancient emotions. Melodies. Suggests the timelessness of an underlying reality. Befriends me. Holds me mesmerized. Reminds me of swimming pools I used to dream in. Those watery depths that had invited me to stay like a friend in need of some company. If she were form I would caress her face. Let her know that we are safe. But my life is not water bound. Nor meant for flight. I am earth. I am clay. I am often at odds with being thus made. I want to experience the weightlessness of life unencumbered by the flesh. I want to go off leash for just a moment to run freely amongst infinity. To unknow the meaning of linear certainty. To witness the birth of the soul. To no longer be what I can no longer bear to be. Earthbound. Of this earth. Your golem.

Valkyria

Tuesday morning. Nearing nine. Pencil to paper. Dotting an i. Turning abruptly towards my office window. NYC engulfed in shadow below.

A giant has come to tell a story.

I place my hand upon the glass as if to signal the approaching maiden. 470 miles per hour then halt. 100 floors up - an atom’s breadth away - she rests upon a false precipice with wings extended. She beckons an embrace.

Quiet.

What is happening? Seems time has stopped. Somehow calm. Palm to pane. The surface cool to my touch. I wonder if the giant on the other side can sense my presence as much as I am able to sense its own. Then a crackling cuts through the silence. The window begins to come apart. Fine white lines spider outward in all directions. A thin glacier looming. Then her voice. A whisper living within my head. Till Valhalla!

Earlier this morning. At Kaffe 1668. I had a cup of coffee with a close friend. She was upset. Though I tried I could not console her. She works in an office two doors down from me. I wonder if she is there now. I walk over. She sits at her desk perusing a ledger of some kind. A sort of reckoning of our time. She is a mannequin to my being. Her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. I caress her cheek. I want to hold her. I would like to have comforted her. But my love is alien. Out of place. Out of time.

Back to my office. The window now a semi-translucent canvas of stars. I know this is where I must be. I am not afraid. I am at peace. Again I place my hand upon the glass as if to welcome the Valkyr. I loosen my tie. Breathe in.

Then.

A supernova. Exploding all about me. Into me. Through me. Thousands of tiny bits of glass engulf me. Become me. Instantly undo me. I merge with fire. Disintegrate into ash. I make my way upward through twisting writhing metal. I leave everything and nothing behind.

The next day. 4000 miles away. There upon a vast tundra. A young golden-haired woman upon an enormous dark horse throws her arms heavenward. Transfixed in this pose. She calls out to a flight of ravens above. Till Valhalla!